It's Been a Minute....

Gracious,

I actually forgot about this...until just now.  So much has happened in what now seems like a long time...until it seems like a short time.  It has been a rough time without my Mom, but she still sustains me.

The ache for her and Daddy is never far, and neither is the love and laughter they gifted me all throughout my life.  

Still plugging away at the Doctorate.  Hopefully, only 6 more months to go.  The journey has netted me friends that are special blessings to me.  The era of Covid has tossed me about every now and again.  Still standing, but I will say my knees buckled a few times. New job, same company, a little greyer, a little leaner, and ever so slightly wiser.  I'm still on my journey of self-discovery, self-awareness and yes self-care is still the order of the day.  

I am thankful to be here, triumphs, challenges, fails and all.  I pray you can say the same.

Be well.

1 year and 1 day ago

1 year and 1 day ago, I looked into my Mother's earthly face for the last time. Ms. Thelma lovingly and gently but firmly held me back as they covered Mom's face and closed the casket. Although the sound itself was inaudible, it reverberated through my very being. It created a chasm in my life that can never be breached.  It began the surreal feeling of being out here on my own, the era of no more. No more Ma to tell a tale to, share a laugh with, fuss and argue and cook with the soundtrack of so many artists accompanying our preparation of an outstanding meal that not only nourished the body but also left no doubt that you were loved. No more Ma to watch tv with, share Chinese food and jump in the car for a cross country drive at a day's notice.  My original road dawg, my co-pilot, my Maestra of music, my fix-my-burger-just-right-so-I can-eat-while-driving partner got out the car in the rest stop and sent me on to find my own way.

So much has happened. More relatives have passed, I've lost and gained the same 15 pounds repeatedly. The Cherubs continue to thrive and grow strong. My son's business is experiencing more ups than downs. I'm over halfway through my degree program.  I've instituted a regimen of self-care that, in the beginning, made me feel selfish, but later had me realize the benefits of taking care of my own mind, body, and spirit.  I've had many discussions with God and his Son, Jesus. I like to think that I'm finding my way back my spiritual peace, despite not believing in the whitewashed version of the kingdom of heaven and all it is.  I still look at folk in askance when they tell me my Ma "would have wanted it that way" when trying to hurry me along in my processing of Ma's death. I have learned to relegate them and that noise to the black hole of nonsense.  I know what my Ma wanted for me, and it was always to be true to myself and to do that, I have to grieve for as long myself deems necessary.

1 year and 1 day ago, surreal took on a whole 'nother persona, and let me tell you, he's a bitch!



Stay blessed,
 

Welcome to 2020

I can remember sitting at the breakfast table one Sunday morning when I was 9.  I don't know what the conversation was, but it made me calculate how how old I would be in 2024.  I remember thinking "WOW that's really old!".  Now here it is 2020, and that age is only 4 years away.  I don't feel that old.  I pray that I make it to that age plus 20-30 more in good health, prosperity, love and happiness as my constant companions.

This is my very first new year as an orphan.  My Dad passed 25 years ago, and my Mom, 1/11/19.  It has been a year of reflection and reinvention, mainly because I did not know my place in my new reality. I've never been so scared or lonely as I have been this past year.  I'm slowly coming around and realizing that my only responsibility is to myself, and that if I don't take care of me, I will lose me.  It felt strange and extremely selfish to concentrate on myself, and actively protect myself from invaders of my peace...now not so much. My finances took a hit, but that was due to me not being a good steward of them, again, live and learn.

2020 is a building and rebuilding year.  I will continue taking care of my health and putting my finances back in order.  Thankfully they haven't fallen too far, but enough so that I feel the sting. I will also continue "old lady proofing" my home by making changes in the house gradually so that I can be safe as I age.  I'm ½ way to my goal of having a smart home.  Next up are shower stall bars, ADA compliant commodes and of course tweaking my already state of the art  interior and exterior security systems.   I'm looking forward to putting in a garden of plants, fruits and veggies in the next few months.  It may be a bit stressful in the beginning, but I'm sure it will be worth it in the end.  Spending the end of the day, relaxing on the patio, surrounded by nature is a great way to decompress.

I'm looking forward to 2020 and discoveries within and without myself.  If all goes well and my life is spared, this time next year will see me with 8 months left to getting my doctorate degree, and having made positive steps to secure my retirement financial future and my career satisfaction.

2020 has so many possibilities.  I pray that I'm up to the challenge of finding, recognizing, developing and realizing them for my benefit and those around me.

I pray for you what you want for yourself.


Stay blessed,


 

But did you die though?

What a year!

After losing my Aunt at the end of September '18, Mom passed Jan '19  Followed by my Uncle March '19 and yet another Uncle, December '19!  Almost my entire childhood wiped out by death like it was taking revenge on me eating the last coconut macaroon.  Needless to say, Cee ain't so level.  

Financial hits in the form of property taxes, medical and funeral, car replacement,  travel and tuition expenses were plentiful and one after the other, sometimes falling on top of each other to demand my attention.  I left my home in March to attend my Uncle's funeral only to come back to 4 other people living here, my son left his wife and took the kids.  Then later she moved in as their new house (they decided to reconcile), wouldn't be ready for 3-5 weeks. I am now working on a plan to find a nice retirement community with medical staffing because I cannot do that ever again.   I came close to failing a class, but by the grace of God and $500 for tutoring (that had to be cadged from other places), I passed.  

I took myself on a whirlwind tour of the medical profession (I am among the few that have insurance), I'm healthy (yet quite fluffy), and after paying for a consultation, found out I cannot afford to have cataract surgery, dental surgery and buy food/pay rent/have electricity or running water for the next 10 years.  

Taking this week off, no schoolwork, and on vacation from the job.  Monday, I'll ease my way back into the mainstream by reviewing my coursework and setting up my assessment at the gym.  I've decided I want to live, and that means taking back my body and my sanity.  The "works" will have to share time with my self-care routine, or else I may not make it.  By self-care I mean saying "no", going to bed at a decent hour at least 4 nights of 7, finding fruits/veggies that I like and easing away from chicken.  This last brought to you by the FDA saying it's ok to ship raw chicken from the US to China and then back to the US.  When one adds that to the number of fast-food chicken restaurants, one has to wonder where in da hell are all these chicken wings coming from?  I've decided to try my hand at growing a few veggies and a lemon tree (I love lemons).  We shall see how that works out.  However each time I think about the chicken thing, I'm determined to be successful

The 2019 holiday season was not kind to me, and while I expected some hits, others seemed to have come out of left field, like watchin my Uncle take his last breat on his birthday and attending his funeral mere days before Christmas.  Although upon reflection, I should not have been surprised.  The signs were there for years, yet I chose to turn a blind eye, make excuses, or adjust my life to suit.  Well, THAT ain't happening again.  I forgot one of the most basic things in life that I share with others...the familial title one holds, DOES NOT pre-empt human nature.  Out of the blue, my Grandma's saying of "not every shut eye is asleep" popped into my head. Not sure why, but it will come to me in a quiet moment.  

My Mom has been gone for almost a year.  I miss her daily and still cry often.  I finally saw her tombstone a little over a week ago.  I have to tell you, that "end date", hit me hard.  I'm barely making it out of bed again, so I'm glad for this time off.  It's amazing how life goes on w/o noticing your world. as you know it, has ended.  

I am doing my damndest to look forward to 2020. I'm alive, I have people who love and look out and over me, I have a job, a roof over my head, and food.  I have a job, medical insurance, a working vehicle, I'm working towards my doctorate, and I have crazy rescue dogs that drive me nuts, and most of all, I have the love and memories of my ancestors to help me put one foot in front of the other.

Now that I'm an orphan, a person I'll never be again is,

 ,

Please send up prayers/good vibes/chants, that this week will be an improvement over the last two. Nothing earth shaking happened, and all events are manageable. I’m just not feeling them. 

On the work front:

I  spent most of the last two weeks rescheduling the rescheduled meetings that were rescheduled from the first time they were rescheduled.  Friday evening, as I’m packing to leave for the weekend…you guessed it...back to the drawing board.  

On the home front:

I came home Wednesday to find that one of the dogs, probably the Dane, tore up a corner of the carpet in the bedroom and destroyed the padding underneath. It was done behind the door, so accessing the room was indeed a challenge.  Granted my plan was to replace the carpet in the bedrooms with flooring, I didn’t mean this month!  

Thursday morning the car was hesitating about starting.  My son had borrowed my jumper box to my job just in case the battery was failing.  So glad I did, as the car wouldn’t start...battery needs replacing.  

Friday is still the same as the car needs a boost any time it’s turned off.  Now, however, the hood of the car was extremely hot for hours after I made my 9-mile trek home.  Add to that when I get in the garage I smell rubber.  Called the mechanic, and he says to bring it in, as there may be problems with my electrical system.  Worked on stats problems and wrote a paper for class.

Saturday, the middle dog ate the box of chicken I had (bones and all) and followed it up with leftover un-popped popcorn kernels.  He’s such an ass sometimes.   Grateful to a very good friend who loaned me her spare vehicle until the mechanic can fix my car.  With the need to have someone pull up the carpet and put down new flooring, and the anticipated expensive car repair, I was not looking forward to renting a vehicle at all. Spent most of the day working on statistical problems, this was in addition to the hours spent working on them this week.  I’ve racked up 17 hours of time thus far on 11 problems for TWO points! Wrote a paper for class.  Thankful again to my friend who reviewed my work and helped me write a template that can be used to resolve similar statistical nightmares as they arise.

Woke up today (all praises to God), to the smell of what the chicken and kernels did to middle dog’s system, as it was in several places on the partially destroyed carpet.  Cleaning that up was a challenge to my respiratory system. Continued to work on the 4 problems that are due by tomorrow night. There’s still another paper due as well.

While none of the above were life defining moments, it would have been great to spread them out over the next 10 years. 

Stay blessed,

 

2018 started out with me as her bitch

In the first few weeks of 2018, I lost a sister, and had to put my much beloved McDawg down.  It pains me to know that my sister died alone and wasn't discovered for a few days. It is what most people fear about dying.

My McDawg was a rescue who found me 7.5 years earlier.  We experienced a lot of firsts together, and I was foolishly hoping she'd beat the odds and live to be 25.  Putting her down was a hard decision, but I'm glad that I chose a horrible weather day to do so.  Seeing her in pain from the cold (she had arthritis and some other issues), and knowing that she crossed the Rainbow Bridge a happy frisky puppy again brings a smile to my heart.

The Wonder Twins and I miss her terribly.  We still look for her, she's left a huge hole that cannot be filled.

I've had some not so great news, a few financial setbacks and my computer died in the midst of writing a paper.

2018 started out really rough.  Yet I'm not worried, as my comeback will far eclipse the instances of heartache and uncertainty that had me a bit off-balance for a while.

Rest in peace Tanya.

Stay blessed,

7 years and counting...

It's taken me 7 years to realize two of my dreams.  I have completed both my Bachelor of Science and my Masters in Business Administration.

February 6th begins my big push for my doctorate.  Although I am a little nervous about writing my dissertation, I know that it will happen.  I find the pursuit of education to be stimulating, frustrating, joyful, mind-broadening, and eye-opening.

My faith in myself has grown by leaps and bounds, yet I'm worried that I will once again have an unbalanced life.  The end of my MBA journey was stressful and my mental and physical state suffered.

I'm pledging to myself that I will be kinder to myself.  I will continue to take time off for self-care, I will correct myself gently, and always give thanks for the blessing of having the opportunity to follow my dreams.

I pray that each of you does the same, no matter where you are in pursuit of your own dreams.


Stay blessed,
 

I would like to marry again

As humans, we are always going to be a work in progress. Realizing that, I won't make that type of commitment with someone, who at my age, has had "potential" for 30-40 years and has done nothing to develop it. I need to be with someone who has lived up to his potential to the best of his ability, and is still striving to improve. I'm not just referring to financially, because Lord knows so many of us are constantly facing setbacks on this front. Emotionally, spiritually and mentally my second husband will need to be on firm ground, with an eye towards reaching higher ground as I am. As life mates, these areas are where we will continue grow together. Encouraging, leading, holding up and holding down each other on behalf of "Team Us", with love, laughter, prayer, and acceptance. Being unevenly yoked in a marriage is no joke! It is soul sucking, physically and mentally draining 24/7. I continue to work on myself, I surround myself with like minded people. I have no desire to be on an emotional rollercoaster with the rest of my life partner. I am confident that my new "Mr. is out there, working his way towards me, as I am towards him.

Stay blessed,
 

Heading towards 60.

Wow!

Where has the time gone?  I feel like I'm still in my 30's.  Wish I could say I look the same way.  I finished my studies (MBA holder in the house!), and am starting to find some energy to do something other than sleep all the time.

Now its time to once again work on my house.  Coming home to a chaotic house saps one's energy.  I can't believe that after almost 10 years, I'm  close to the end of my purging.  I have re-homed, re-gifted, and recycled at least 15 rooms of furniture, clothing, and what not.  It's now time to clean and organize what it left.

I'm looking forward to the journey towards 60, and God willing, 70, 80, and well past 90.  Bags  of any kind of clutter (physical, mental, emotional) will not be packed for this trip.



Stay blessed,

~~Cee Level~~

Ups, Downs, Ins, Outs.

If you asked me two years ago to tell you about myself, I would have said that I am a:

• Christ loving Woman
• Wife
• Mother
• Nana
• Daughter
• Sister
• Aunt
• Niece
• Cousin
• Friend
• Personal Assistant
• Mentor
• Child Advocate
• Student

Nowhere in that description would you find anything truly about me.  These are the places I hold in other's lives.

Today, if you ask me about myself, I'm going to tell you what I love and what makes me happy.  I'll briefly touch upon some of the downs and outs of these two years, but overall, I no longer define myself by titles.

This thought came to mind as sit at the kitchen table listening to Smooth Jazz, while enjoying a late breakfast.  The windows are open, McDawg has once again taken over the couch and I'm procrastinating about a homework assignment.  The sun is out (off and on), the weather is hot and humid and I'm closer to my serenity than I have been in years.

Having the courage to stand on you faith when the "world" tries to steer you in a different direction, is hard.  I know this from experience.  I'm also the bearer of many worldly scars received when I didn't trust my faith.

I'm smart enough to know that life changes, and I should enjoy these blessings.  I'm aware enough to know that not all blessings are viewed as "good".  Some blessings are life lessons, and getting to the Ins and Ups, are my reward.

Whatever stage of life you are in, remember, it's going to change.  Hang in there.

tay blessed,

Re-enforcements

This past year has shown me again:

• Love God first, yourself second
• Life is good, even the bad parts
• Don’t sweat the small stuff; really it is all small stuff.
• Putting one foot in front of the other is the hardest thing to do
• Mistakes are the hardest lessons to learn
• “Just do it” beats  “I should have just done it”
• It’s ok to be angry.  Handle it constructively
• Once a door closed, brick that sucker up and forget about it
• My family, even when I want to cold-cock them every single one of them is my greatest joy
• Love has to be shown by deeds not words. ~ Swahili proverb

Stay blessed,

 

In a New Space

I had been sick and unhappy for so long, and truly believed it would continue to be that way.  Gave my life over to the Maker, and thought things would change instantly.  Instead, it seemed to get worst, as I struggled to do the right thing.  Realized that God was working on me, and eventually saw that the "right thing" didn't mean I needed to accept crap from folk who meant me no good.  Made drastic changes in my life, divorced drunken, lying husband, moved houses and finally got that much needed (yet always put off) surgery.

I was praising God loudly in my sleep, that I woke myself up.  Realized my physical ailments were gone.  My heart, which had been hurting, no longer felt the pain or the anger.  Instead, I woke up resolute, and have been slowly, yet confidently putting one foot in front of the other.

Over the past year, I've re-learned that how you think you're supposed to feel, can mess you up, when you don't feel that way. I'm loving myself more and once again am finding that "me space" in and outside of my own head.  No longer trying to juggle other people's needs/wants and my own.  If it's not going to put me in a drama free zone, then I don't go there.

My next journey is the physical rebuilding of me (again).  Being unhappy for so long had me eating out more, just because I didn't want to come home to a man who drank, and lied about it and other things.  Weight I had lost, and then some crept back.  I was so unhappy with the me that looked back at me from the mirror, I avoided them at all costs.

Took a good look at myself the other day, and decided that I'm not seeing what I want to see reflected in the mirror.  Asked myself, what I was going to do about it.  Now I'm working on me, one day at a time.  There are days  I find that I need to get through a few minutes at a time, and I'm ok with that, as I finding peace in being in a space that is totally mine, (and McDawg's).

Prayerfully anticipating the changes in the physical me, while concentrating on the spiritual, emotional and mental well being of myself.  Looking forward to returning to school, socializing a little more (I'm extremely introverted), purchasing my own house, loving those who love me, and not stressing over those who don't.

Whatever journey you're on, my prayer is that you realize that it is a continuous one.  Remember, it's not over until God brings you home.

Stay blessed,
 

Isaiah  43: 1-5

New King James Version (NKJV)

But now, thus says the Lord, who created you, O Jacob,
And He who formed you, O Israel:
“Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have called you by your name;
You are Mine.
2 When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
And through the rivers, they shall not overflow you.
When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned,
Nor shall the flame scorch you.
3 For I am the Lord your God,
The Holy One of Israel, your Savior;
I gave Egypt for your ransom,
Ethiopia and Seba in your place.
4 Since you were precious in My sight,
You have been honored,
And I have loved you;
Therefore I will give men for you,
And people for your life.
5 Fear not, for I am with you;


Today instead of the Sermon that was advertised, the Pastor taught this one.  He mentioned that the Bible has 365 occurrences telling us not to fear.  One for each day of the year.

His message to me was that of hope, as I walk through the fire and the storm, God will supply all my needs.  So I shall endeavor to "Fear Not" and seek instead to abide in Him through this season of my life onward.
Stay blessed,

You can't always win

It's the pep talk I've been giving myself since early this morning.  "The Gambler" said it so eloquently"

"You've got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em
Know when to walk away and know when to run"

Makes me think Kenny Rogers has the inside track on being able to throw in the towel.

Like most people I know, I do NOT like losing.  It's not that I'm super competitive, I'm not at all.   I just would rather win, or at the very least, have the game end in a draw.  I especially despise losing when I've giving it my all, over and over again.  When I've rationalized, marginalized and minimized my own feelings, to ensure I'm not stepping on yours, losing damn near infuriates me.

While I always strive to be a gracious loser, I am not a good loser.  Yes, I can shake hands, pat backs, buy dinner/drinks and utter up a sincere "Way to Go!" with the best of them.  Most times I mean it.  You bested me; good for you!  Heck I can even send up a heartfelt prayer that you continue to walk in God's blessings.  However, when I'm alone, I let myself have it.  I ruthlessly look for all the "signs" I missed, then berate myself for seeing only what I wanted to see.  I know I'm not alone in this behavior.  I do not derive any comfort from that knowledge. It takes me a long time to come to terms with my failure to, if not win, then tie.

Today, Saturday March 1, 2014. I'm gagging on losing.  I started to say "losing big".   Now I'm wondering...if the loss provides peace of mind, in the long run, is it really "losing big"?  I don't know.   I do know disappointment and anger are stuck in my throat, and I'm sitting in isolation working my way through the process.

Stick a fork in me, I'm done. I'm crying "Uncle", throwing in the towel, I give in/give up.  You win, I lose.  This fat lady has not only sung, she's left the stage, turned out the lights,  locked the theatre door and has gone home.

Stay blessed,
 

My Grands

They're growing so fast.   I love how they look after the Jelly Bean aka Possum.  Fuss and Wookyman are very protective of each other

Stay blessed, 

Diagram of a Plane

Love it!

Stay blessed,

 

The Death of Gloria

Ever since I could remember, I wanted a fast sports car.  The color changed from day dream to day dream, but the sexy low riding car was always just that.  Back in 2007, I was able to purchase, my dream car.  Gloria the Grey Goose was her name.  I loved that car as much as anyone could love an inanimate object,  Some say irrationally.  I purchased her after my bouncing baby boy made it to college, and was a salute to me as "Mom". To me it was a symbol, that all those years of "doing without and/or making do" were not in vain.   No drugs, no arrests, no gangs, just a nice Black kid who didn't always have the best, but made the best of what he had.  I was and am extremely proud of my not so little one.  So yes, I was emotionally attached to this vehicle.  It was something I got just for  me.  The best thing about Gloria, was she was always ready to go.  She was a 6 speed manual transmission that growled and ate up the road.  That all changed the night of September 2nd.  

It's now 94 days later, and I feel her loss as if she was part of my body.  I think what still amazes me is just how upset looking at these photos make me.  

I've since obtained a new vehicle, and while it is nice, it's no Gloria.

RIP buddy.  We flew down many a road, had many an adventure, and just enjoyed being together.

Stay blessed,

 

When I had the chance

I admit to being a big time Boney James fan.   Have been since I heard Quinn sing "Don't let me be lonely"

This is another favorite of mine.  I've had it playing in a loop for the past hour.  

December is always a month of reflection for me.  Unfortunately, I've not taken good care of myself this past year.  Need to get back to my center and become Level once again.  Problem is, I don't know where to begin.  I've neglected both the inner and outer body.  To be honest, my first inclination is to book an appointment with a colorist and then the loctician.  From there, I want to head over to the facial and deep tissue massage person, and end with a nice mani/pedi  Which I may just do this holiday season.  More importantly, I have got to regain my inner peace.  These last two years have brought more stress to my life than the last 10 years combined.  Not a good thing.  

So once again, its time to dedicate this next year to me, and getting what I need to be the best I can be for myself.  

Hope you are well, and that the year end reflection period finds more ticks in the "Pro" side of your scorecard.

Stay blessed,

 

Life with the Wookyman

Having Grandchildren is fabulous!

The posting features the Wookyman, who is soon to be the middle child. LOL.  Yep, expecting Jelly Bean to arrive in May.

My Wooky is into everything!  He follows Fuss around, and she protects and looks after him.  It's good to see the love there already.

Ready for the watermark 

Hanging around Nana's House

Helping 

My Big Sister 

The Wookyman!

Whatcha doing Daddy?

Stay blessed,

Cee Level

Two hearts are always better

I was reading over my blog, and realized, that although I brag about my Wookyman on Facebook, y'all don't know him. 

Well Mr. Elijah is almost a year old.  Lordy I thought I was a gonner with my Fussalicious One, but adding my Wookyman to the mix has me...well there are no words.  I'm just doubly blessed, and yes still getting all the kisses I can.

 

Here's a picture of my two.  Lord I love the stuffing outta these babies.

 

Hoping you are blessed with whatever makes your heart beat faster, your cup runneth over, and praising God for blessing you.

 

 

Stay blessed,