1 year and 1 day ago

1 year and 1 day ago, I looked into my Mother's earthly face for the last time. Ms. Thelma lovingly and gently but firmly held me back as they covered Mom's face and closed the casket. Although the sound itself was inaudible, it reverberated through my very being. It created a chasm in my life that can never be breached.  It began the surreal feeling of being out here on my own, the era of no more. No more Ma to tell a tale to, share a laugh with, fuss and argue and cook with the soundtrack of so many artists accompanying our preparation of an outstanding meal that not only nourished the body but also left no doubt that you were loved. No more Ma to watch tv with, share Chinese food and jump in the car for a cross country drive at a day's notice.  My original road dawg, my co-pilot, my Maestra of music, my fix-my-burger-just-right-so-I can-eat-while-driving partner got out the car in the rest stop and sent me on to find my own way.

So much has happened. More relatives have passed, I've lost and gained the same 15 pounds repeatedly. The Cherubs continue to thrive and grow strong. My son's business is experiencing more ups than downs. I'm over halfway through my degree program.  I've instituted a regimen of self-care that, in the beginning, made me feel selfish, but later had me realize the benefits of taking care of my own mind, body, and spirit.  I've had many discussions with God and his Son, Jesus. I like to think that I'm finding my way back my spiritual peace, despite not believing in the whitewashed version of the kingdom of heaven and all it is.  I still look at folk in askance when they tell me my Ma "would have wanted it that way" when trying to hurry me along in my processing of Ma's death. I have learned to relegate them and that noise to the black hole of nonsense.  I know what my Ma wanted for me, and it was always to be true to myself and to do that, I have to grieve for as long myself deems necessary.

1 year and 1 day ago, surreal took on a whole 'nother persona, and let me tell you, he's a bitch!



Stay blessed,