It's Been a Minute....

Gracious,

I actually forgot about this...until just now.  So much has happened in what now seems like a long time...until it seems like a short time.  It has been a rough time without my Mom, but she still sustains me.

The ache for her and Daddy is never far, and neither is the love and laughter they gifted me all throughout my life.  

Still plugging away at the Doctorate.  Hopefully, only 6 more months to go.  The journey has netted me friends that are special blessings to me.  The era of Covid has tossed me about every now and again.  Still standing, but I will say my knees buckled a few times. New job, same company, a little greyer, a little leaner, and ever so slightly wiser.  I'm still on my journey of self-discovery, self-awareness and yes self-care is still the order of the day.  

I am thankful to be here, triumphs, challenges, fails and all.  I pray you can say the same.

Be well.

1 year and 1 day ago

1 year and 1 day ago, I looked into my Mother's earthly face for the last time. Ms. Thelma lovingly and gently but firmly held me back as they covered Mom's face and closed the casket. Although the sound itself was inaudible, it reverberated through my very being. It created a chasm in my life that can never be breached.  It began the surreal feeling of being out here on my own, the era of no more. No more Ma to tell a tale to, share a laugh with, fuss and argue and cook with the soundtrack of so many artists accompanying our preparation of an outstanding meal that not only nourished the body but also left no doubt that you were loved. No more Ma to watch tv with, share Chinese food and jump in the car for a cross country drive at a day's notice.  My original road dawg, my co-pilot, my Maestra of music, my fix-my-burger-just-right-so-I can-eat-while-driving partner got out the car in the rest stop and sent me on to find my own way.

So much has happened. More relatives have passed, I've lost and gained the same 15 pounds repeatedly. The Cherubs continue to thrive and grow strong. My son's business is experiencing more ups than downs. I'm over halfway through my degree program.  I've instituted a regimen of self-care that, in the beginning, made me feel selfish, but later had me realize the benefits of taking care of my own mind, body, and spirit.  I've had many discussions with God and his Son, Jesus. I like to think that I'm finding my way back my spiritual peace, despite not believing in the whitewashed version of the kingdom of heaven and all it is.  I still look at folk in askance when they tell me my Ma "would have wanted it that way" when trying to hurry me along in my processing of Ma's death. I have learned to relegate them and that noise to the black hole of nonsense.  I know what my Ma wanted for me, and it was always to be true to myself and to do that, I have to grieve for as long myself deems necessary.

1 year and 1 day ago, surreal took on a whole 'nother persona, and let me tell you, he's a bitch!



Stay blessed,
 

Welcome to 2020

I can remember sitting at the breakfast table one Sunday morning when I was 9.  I don't know what the conversation was, but it made me calculate how how old I would be in 2024.  I remember thinking "WOW that's really old!".  Now here it is 2020, and that age is only 4 years away.  I don't feel that old.  I pray that I make it to that age plus 20-30 more in good health, prosperity, love and happiness as my constant companions.

This is my very first new year as an orphan.  My Dad passed 25 years ago, and my Mom, 1/11/19.  It has been a year of reflection and reinvention, mainly because I did not know my place in my new reality. I've never been so scared or lonely as I have been this past year.  I'm slowly coming around and realizing that my only responsibility is to myself, and that if I don't take care of me, I will lose me.  It felt strange and extremely selfish to concentrate on myself, and actively protect myself from invaders of my peace...now not so much. My finances took a hit, but that was due to me not being a good steward of them, again, live and learn.

2020 is a building and rebuilding year.  I will continue taking care of my health and putting my finances back in order.  Thankfully they haven't fallen too far, but enough so that I feel the sting. I will also continue "old lady proofing" my home by making changes in the house gradually so that I can be safe as I age.  I'm ½ way to my goal of having a smart home.  Next up are shower stall bars, ADA compliant commodes and of course tweaking my already state of the art  interior and exterior security systems.   I'm looking forward to putting in a garden of plants, fruits and veggies in the next few months.  It may be a bit stressful in the beginning, but I'm sure it will be worth it in the end.  Spending the end of the day, relaxing on the patio, surrounded by nature is a great way to decompress.

I'm looking forward to 2020 and discoveries within and without myself.  If all goes well and my life is spared, this time next year will see me with 8 months left to getting my doctorate degree, and having made positive steps to secure my retirement financial future and my career satisfaction.

2020 has so many possibilities.  I pray that I'm up to the challenge of finding, recognizing, developing and realizing them for my benefit and those around me.

I pray for you what you want for yourself.


Stay blessed,